All names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Any resemblance to situations that may have occured in real life is purely uncoincedental.
In the world of pregnancy, life is not gum drops and rainbows, this shit is real folks.
You might need a towel…
I am a member of a very special group of women. We all happen to be due in or close to December 2011. We’re also all a little nutty. If you thought that women can’t bring themselves to discuss the dirty, the stinky, and the raunchy, let me tell you, you were wrong! Maybe it takes having something pretty big in common, like being pregnant together, to bring out the ick factor in a bunch of girls, but social norms be damned, nothing is sacred anymore. Be prepared, if you thought pregnant women were all glowy and beautiful shitting glitter you are about to learn otherwise. The books don’t cover everything.
Let’s get right in there, no reason to put it off and uh… candy coat it. Constipation! Everyone has suffered it at some point, no use denying it. We just don’t talk about it. Who really cares or wants to hear about other people’s poo business anyway?! Well, pregnant women tend to enjoy discussing this. We talk all things poo all the time. Who is, and who isn’t doing it, when where and how frequently. There may be a case for having us committed, or at least put on a farm where we can all giggle and eat and poo to our hearts content.
- Ooohh! I can’t poo!!! What I would do for a good poo!!! – Lady Banger
- MY HEMORRHOIDS HAVE FLARED UP AGAIN!!! – Lana Fanny
- I didn’t expect constipation and hemorrhoids to be this bad. – Tonya Fuzzynuts
- I have hemorrhoids that look like a cluster of tiny grapes!! AAAKK – Lady Banger
I wish I had a plug…I swear I dont poo for five days then im in there 24 times a day… – Exotica Dangler
Oh, and it’s not just poo…
- I seriously just laughed so hard I peed a little! – Kara Stroker
- They are making me pee in a hat and keep it in my fridge! – Kara Lottatang
- omg I have peed and sneezed myself at the same time FIVE TIMES TODAY!! I HAVE PEE RUNNING DOWN MY LEG!! I PEED IN THE GROCEREY STORE MEAT ISLE!! – Lady Banger
- I sneeze and I pee myself, I cough and I pee myself, I laugh and I pee myself, I get kicked repeatedly from the inside, and I pee myself. I now need depends – Exotica Dangler
- This summer, my crotch was wet for 3 months. I peed my pants constantly and it was so hot that even when I didn’t pee my pants it looked like I did because of sweat. – Barbie Cucumber
- Honest, I’ve worn a pad since yesterday constantly because of the constant hard coughing. IT’S AWFUL!! I’m constantly dribbling myself! – Lady Banger
- Sometimes, when I manage not to pee myself, I announce it with fanfare – Kara Lottatang
- Ok we won’t go into that one… it’s slimy and sticky and, no I lied, let’s go
- So there is this white slimey stuff in my underpants… – Kara Lottatang
- Oh! And varicose veins that look like road maps! – Cara Darkholer
- And not being able to see while shaving the honey pot! 😀 – Cara Darkholer
- Can you come over and help me groom my vajayjay? I need a real friend to help me, someone honest with a steady hand who won’t lop off my labia! – Lady Banger
- I made up a magical world and drew its road map in my stretch marks – Exotica Dangler
- AND THE ZITS!!!! On all FOUR cheeks!!!! – Cara Darkholer
- and the horrible bleching and gas that comes… – Tonya Fuzzynuts
- Don’t forget the gas! Farting in public is no longer embarrassing! – Kara Stroker
- OMG and the big huge dark nipples! Does anyone ELSE have little tiny bumps all over their nipples?! – Kara Lottatang
- oh and im so emotional that when my boyfriend tries to pick off what he thinks is one of his stray hairs from my chin and it ends up being ATTACHED i start bawling, and then i make myself cough, and then i throw up and pee at the same time! – Exotica Dangler
- I’ve managed to sneak away from the cursed zit monster. I however had some weird bump on my thigh that looked like it wanted to pop but never did. – Lady Banger
- my nipples look like the freaking Andes mountains its very strange…dark, bumpy… (slightly hairy from time to time) – Exotica Dangler
- I go to bed early so I have time alone to fart. It used to be so i would have time alone for me time, but now I fart instead – Kara Lottatang
- And breaking ribs from octopus kicks! – Cara Darkholer
- I never expected it to feel like my pelvic bone was gonna pop in half. – Kara Slapalot
- Pelvic pain is excruciating. – Barbie Cucumber
- I did not expect the extreme heartburn – Kinky Sticky
- The pelvic pain and all this icky discharge. It really wasn’t like this the first time – Sandy Slamm
- Never before has a sex dream made me orgasm… I could stay pregnant forever if it didn’t make me so miserable! – Kara Lottatang
- ME TOO! It’s weird! Im alllllways in the mood. Hubby told me, “Im not a sex tool!” – Jenna Stroker
- And this is the first pregnancy I got 2nd trimester horny-ness. – Barbie Cucumber