“My vagina feels like it’s being split in two by Zeus’s lightning bolt!” And other interesting facts about pregnancy.

Standard

All names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Any resemblance to situations that may have occured in real life is purely uncoincedental.

In the world of pregnancy, life is not gum drops and rainbows, this shit is real folks.

You might need a towel…

I am a member of a very special group of women.  We all happen to be due in or close to December 2011.  We’re also all a little nutty.  If you thought that women can’t bring themselves to discuss the dirty, the stinky, and the raunchy, let me tell you, you were wrong!  Maybe it takes having something pretty big in common, like being pregnant together, to bring out the ick factor in a bunch of girls, but social norms be damned, nothing is sacred anymore.  Be prepared, if you thought pregnant women were all glowy and beautiful shitting glitter you are about to learn otherwise.  The books don’t cover everything.

Let’s get right in there, no reason to put it off and uh… candy coat it.  Constipation!  Everyone has suffered it at some point, no use denying it.  We just don’t talk about it.  Who really cares or wants to hear about other people’s poo business anyway?!  Well, pregnant women tend to enjoy discussing this.  We talk all things poo all the time.  Who is, and who isn’t doing it, when where and how frequently.  There may be a case for having us committed, or at least put on a farm where we can all giggle and eat and poo to our hearts content.

  • Ooohh! I can’t poo!!! What I would do for a good poo!!! – Lady Banger
  • MY HEMORRHOIDS HAVE FLARED UP AGAIN!!! – Lana Fanny
  • I didn’t expect constipation and hemorrhoids to be this bad. – Tonya Fuzzynuts
  • I have hemorrhoids that look like a cluster of tiny grapes!! AAAKK – Lady Banger
  • I wish I had a plug…I swear I dont poo for five days then im in there 24 times a day… – Exotica Dangler

Oh, and it’s not just poo…

  • I seriously just laughed so hard I peed a little! – Kara Stroker
  • They are making me pee in a hat and keep it in my fridge! – Kara Lottatang
  • omg I have peed and sneezed myself at the same time FIVE TIMES TODAY!! I HAVE PEE RUNNING DOWN MY LEG!! I PEED IN THE GROCEREY STORE MEAT ISLE!! – Lady Banger
  • I sneeze and I pee myself, I cough and I pee myself, I laugh and I pee myself, I get kicked repeatedly from the inside, and I pee myself.  I now need depends – Exotica Dangler
  • This summer, my crotch was wet for 3 months. I peed my pants constantly and it was so hot that even when I didn’t pee my pants it looked like I did because of sweat. – Barbie Cucumber
  • Honest, I’ve worn a pad since yesterday constantly because of the constant hard coughing. IT’S AWFUL!! I’m constantly dribbling myself! – Lady Banger
  • Sometimes, when I manage not to pee myself, I announce it with fanfare – Kara Lottatang
And wouldn’t you know it, it’s not just pee either.
  • Ok we won’t go into that one…  it’s slimy and sticky and, no I lied, let’s go
  • So there is this white slimey stuff in my underpants… – Kara Lottatang
Your boobs may leak and drip, along with just about everything else that it able to.  Sleep is so hard to come by for me that when I do sleep my body goes into like, sleep starvation mode.  I sleep so deeply that I drool everywhere!  It wakes me up and I have to wipe my face and turn my pillow!  The sneezes, oh the sneezes.  I haven’t sneezed this much in my life.  I started to worry that I may be allergic to Little Miss.  Pregnant women are still women though.  We still care about how we look, and really would like to carry on the way we always have.  Sometimes though, that is simply not an option…
  • Oh! And varicose veins that look like road maps! – Cara Darkholer
  • And not being able to see while shaving the honey pot! 😀 – Cara Darkholer
  • Can you come over and help me groom my vajayjay? I need a real friend to help me, someone honest with a steady hand who won’t lop off my labia! – Lady Banger
  • I made up a magical world and drew its road map in my stretch marks – Exotica Dangler
  • AND THE ZITS!!!! On all FOUR cheeks!!!! – Cara Darkholer
  • and the horrible bleching and gas that comes… – Tonya Fuzzynuts
  • Don’t forget the gas! Farting in public is no longer embarrassing! – Kara Stroker
  • OMG and the big huge dark nipples! Does anyone ELSE have little tiny bumps all over their nipples?! – Kara Lottatang
  • oh and im so emotional that when my boyfriend tries to pick off what he thinks is one of his stray hairs from my chin and it ends up being ATTACHED i start bawling, and then i make myself cough, and then i throw up and pee at the same time! – Exotica Dangler
  • I’ve managed to sneak away from the cursed zit monster. I however had some weird bump on my thigh that looked like it wanted to pop but never did. – Lady Banger
  • my nipples look like the freaking Andes mountains its very strange…dark, bumpy… (slightly hairy from time to time) – Exotica Dangler
  • I go to bed early so I have time alone to fart. It used to be so i would have time alone for me time, but now I fart instead – Kara Lottatang
Yes, pregnancy is a beautiful thing.  It is also a painful thing, as if the title to this post didn’t tell you that already.
  • And breaking ribs from octopus kicks! – Cara Darkholer
  • I never expected it to feel like my pelvic bone was gonna pop in half. – Kara Slapalot
  • Pelvic pain is excruciating. – Barbie Cucumber
  •  I did not expect the extreme heartburn – Kinky Sticky
  • The pelvic pain and all this icky discharge. It really wasn’t like this the first time – Sandy Slamm
Yes, we are in pain.  Expect pain, and plenty of it.  You will even learn what is tolerable pain and what you need to question.  As I sit here my back is screaming.  I’m not doing anything different, I sit up straight, don’t lean back in my chair, always have, but right now it hurts.  When you take your bra off at the end of the day it’s like unwrapping a bandage that was on too tight.  Ow.  Shoes and socks can do the same thing.  Invest in a pair of sneakers that are half a size bigger, and some really forgiving socks.  You don’t want tight socks.  My hands hurt so bad I couldn’t even clamp the can opener onto my jar of chili earlier tonight.  This is mostly from the carpal tunnel.  I had it before I got pregnant so it has been especially bad for me.  Yesterday I questioned it.  I bent over to pick something up and felt this burning ripping sensation right below my breast bone.  It seemed to radiate out to both sides and wrap around my belly.  It was awful.  I left Bunny to finish cleaning the kitchen and I went to sit for a while.  It still aches, like a bruise, but the doctor reassured me that it was normal.  He said it’s most likely because my bowel is so pushed up in my body that I probably just pinched something when I bent over.  No biggie.  These kinds of one time pains happen from time to time.  Usually it’s nothing to worry about though.
I am making this all sound pretty dreadful, if rather amusing.  It’s not all bad I swear!  Not very many people want to talk about pregnant sex.  I don’t know why not, it can be pretty fantastic!  There are always some women whose  men who are freaked out by the concept, and there are some women who don’t want it, or find it too painful.  For the women who fall into those categories, get a BOB.  This stands for Battery Operated Boyfriend.  Trust me, you will appreciate this bit of advice.
  • Never before has a sex dream made me orgasm… I could stay pregnant forever if it didn’t make me so miserable! – Kara Lottatang
  • ME TOO! It’s weird! Im alllllways in the mood. Hubby told me, “Im not a sex tool!” – Jenna Stroker
  • And this is the first pregnancy I got 2nd trimester horny-ness. – Barbie Cucumber
The dreams can really get going too, and not just the sex dreams.  You will dream about baby, about ex boyfriends, about your significant other cheating.  All kinds of things.  Don’t think too much about it, they are dreams, they aren’t real.  Dreaming about your ex can simply mean that you’re wondering if you are still attractive, and dreaming about your loved one cheating is as simple as a fear of taking a huge life step alone.  It doesn’t mean it’s happening, just like the million miscarriage dreams you will have mean you are going to miscarry.  Know what else these crazy vivid pregnant dreams mean?  YOU’RE SLEEPING!  Relish it, it won’t last.  They like to say ‘sleep now while you have the chance!’ I say sleep whenever you have the chance.  If you aren’t doing it yet you will soon be waking up a million times a night to pee, roll over, and maybe even check your blood sugar.
I could go on forever about the real things to look forward to during pregnancy, that no one will tell you, but you’ll get it all figured out.  Every one of us is different any way.  You will probably have to deal with constipation, hemorrhoids, peeing on yourself, weird pains, and crazy dreams.  If you’re lucky you will have a really fantastic group of ladies to talk about it all with.  There is no reason to be shy, we’re all either dealing with it, going to deal with it, or have dealt with it.  If you need to pee your pants, it’s nice to have someone there to lend you a depends.
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s